Led

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"He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters; he restores my soul." Psalm 23:2 (RSV)

It has always been easy for me to follow my Shepherd.  As an infant, I was baptized with my father. Easy. Our family went to church every week...and I loved to go so worship was easy! I loved the prayers and communion. I loved the sermon and I loved the songs-no matter how old or young they were. Sunday school was the best and and I still remember the replica of the Ten Commandments that my class recreated out of sandpaper. For several years, my father was my youth group leader.  As I look back at those times now, I realize that I was lying down in green pastures. I had been led beside still waters and it was well with my soul. It was easy to follow my Shepherd.

Things changed this summer. It wasn't as easy for me to follow my Shepherd.  The chemotherapy and radiation treatments took their toll. As the weeks progressed, I lost 40 pounds and became progressively weaker.  My mouth turned dry and I couldn't taste my food.  I became more and more nauseated and tired. My three boys couldn't understand why their dad had to sleep all day, even when it was perfect weather to throw the baseball.  My wife had to manage the household chores...more than usual! And every day I would make my way to radiation oncology and take my seat by the other sick patients, waiting for my name to be called.  When I was summoned, I proceeded to take my place on a bare metal table where I would be laid down.  Then, a fiberglass net would be placed over my head and shoulders and clamped to the table. I was immobilized from my shoulders up so that the machine whirring over my head could direct the field of radiation exactly where it needed to go.  In those moments of anxiety, unable to move and praying that I wouldn't get sick, these words came to mind, "He makes me to lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters; he restores my soul."

Except this time, there were no green pastures to be seen. This time, I thirsted for those still waters. This time, I wondered if my soul would ever be restored.  All I had was the promise that He would lead me.

I don't believe that God gave me my cancer, but I do believe that God rushed into those treatments with me and began to lead me to a different place; a place where there is more living for today and less worry about tomorrow; a place where there is more joy and less sorrow; a place where there is more laughter and joy and hugs and words of encouragement and less anger while driving.  My family can bear witness today that I still have a long ways to go!

Now, I have completed those treatments and I am gaining strength every day.  During treatments I wondered, but looking back it is clear, that the Shepherd was always with me. I would come to church when I could and Jean would give me a hug.  Daniel would tell me that I was looking good and when he did, I wanted to say, "Liar Liar! Pants on fire!"  But I cherished those words and those hugs and everybody who told me that they were praying for me and our family along the way.  They were a lifeline tethering me to the love of God.  And Pastor Catherine came to visit me several times at work.  Many people provided meals for our family and every day I received at least one card in the mail from someone telling us that they were lifting us up. I often doubted what God was doing, but I never doubted that I was being led.

I am so thankful that those treatments are over.  And I am eternally grateful for the new place that my Shepherd is leading me.  And I can tell you with absolute conviction today that I have never been more certain, even when it was easy, that the Lord is my Shepherd and He makes me to lie down in green pastures and he leads me beside still waters and He restores my soul.