Side Effects

(Big Brutus, near Mineral, KS)

About midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the other prisoners were listening to them." (Acts 16:25)

Sometimes, fighting cancer is just managing the side effects of the medicine used to treat the bigger problem. For example, my first round of chemo left me nauseous for two weeks. To combat the anticipated nausea for the second round (which happens Wednesday) I have several different medicines on hand...just in case. 

I also have medicine available for pain.

Unfortunately, one of the side effects of both the medicine used to treat nausea and those used to treat pain are "digestive issues"...particularly the type of issue that begins with "consti" and ends in "pation." I've always been very regular. I was not prepared.

Constipation is no picnic.

In fact, last week, I was nearly paralyzed with this condition.  For the three-hour nightmare, I had no idea how to remove the football that was lodged in my lower gastrointestinal tract.  I called my gastroenterologist. Not available. I called again. Still not available. I was told that he was in "procedures." I didn't care about anyone else's procedures. In fact, I started to panic. I wasn't getting any better.  Finally, I called my little sister who was visiting and is also a physician.  This phone call should have been humiliating, but I was past the point of any pride.

"I think I need to go to emergency room," I managed to squeak.

"Slow down," my little sister said.

"I can't get much slower," I thought, "Things are pretty much at a standstill."

"There are some things we can try.  If you can make it home, I will run to the pharmacy and meet you there with the 'supplies'," she said. "We'll hit this thing from above and below."

This sounded ominous, but considering my situation, I agreed and  decided to leave work since I wasn't being overly productive.

At home, I was met by both my sister and my wife and a bag full of medicine.  I was coached through my treatments, which, while humbling, was also rewarding because these two women are both mothers and I have a new appreciation for what it is they went through in child birth.  I never knew.  It was terrible, but soon I had a breakthrough. Afterwards, I was pooped. I napped for about an hour, but it wasn't for two more days before I began to feel my regular self again.

Needless to say, I am taking special care with my digestive health these days because I never, ever want to experience that  place again.  I am convinced that this "side effect" was the weapon of Lucifer used to derail me from my treatment protocol.

Well, stick it, Satan!

And I believe that is one way the Devil works. He tries to get us focused on the side effects and we deal with them and it takes a lot out of us and we began to wonder if it is all worth it.  Sometimes the side effects make us forget that there is something bigger lurking in the shadows. Sometimes we forget that we are engaged in a big and important battle, but when we remember we experience Paul and Silas faith; faith to get us through the hard times, and never lose site of what it is we are really trying to accomplish. This kind of faith is Samson and his one last lean on Dagon's temple.  It is King David composing one more hymn of faith in the middle of deep darkness. (eg. Psalm 22)  It is Esther approaching the king.  It is going to worship and and prayer when everything in your life turns inside out.  It is faith to keep us focused on the bigger problem we are dealing with, not just the side effects.  

Church Stopping. Less Doing. More Being. 

Pinned.

(Photo by Travis Heying, Wichita Eagle, 2016)

"Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of my enemies;"

-Psalm 23:5a

Pinned. Stuck.  Trapped. It is a bit unsettling.  For the last twelve days, I have been repeating these words as I undergo radiation treatments for the cancer in my throat.  Actually, I have been thinking these words, not actually speaking them.  During these treatments, my head is fastened to the table via a mesh mask that is designed to keep me from moving even a twitch.  This allows for accurate targeting of the treatments, but does not allow for oral recitation of these words of comfort.

I am powerless, but God is at work.

Our middle son, Isaac, when he was just about three years old, had some difficulty sounding the letter "r".  I remember one evening, we were in the middle of a real, mid-western, spring zephyr. There was thunder and lightning, wind and rain, and even a tornado siren.  The whole family was huddled in the basement waiting for the tornado warning to expire and I was visibly nervous.  I was worried about the roof, the trees, and the insurance paperwork, and  Isaac said, "Daddy, don't be afraid of tomatoes, God is with us in the storm and He will keep us safe."

Isaac knew that God was at work even when we were stuck in the basement and powerless to do anything about the storm.

And God did keep us safe that night, though it was scary. However, I know that sometimes, the tornadoes do come. The trees do fall.  Sometimes the storms in life pummel roofs, sometimes they tear at our hearts, and sometimes they do violence to our bodies. They are painful, heart-wrenching, and even devastating. Sometimes we feel pinned down. We can't move and even if we could, we aren't sure where we would go or what we would do.

We feel powerless, but God is at work.

...even on that treatment table. It is uncomfortable and nerve-wracking, and painful, but it has also been a humbling and awesome experience to feel God work when I can't move.  I don't know for sure what God is doing, but He is at work in me and around me and maybe even through me. I am convinced that when this is over, I won't be in the same place I was in the beginning.

Still, it is no fun.  And I can still think of others who might be more deserving of this affliction. But I am beginning to experience God in a new way.  When I am stuck, I am absolutely convinced that God at work, preparing a table of blessings, holding me close, and reminding me not to be afraid of tomatoes.

Church Stopping. Less doing. More Being.

Underneath His Wings

(This photo has been circulating on Facebook and I cannot find a reference...however,

it is an amazing picture.  Thank you for sharing!)

"He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge..." (Psalm 91:4)

It's been a while since I have posted.  A little over three months.

However, this hiatus all began about sixteen months ago.  What started out as a severe sore throat and ear pain has progressed to a forty-pound weight loss and chronic fatigue.  I have seen five doctors, a chiropractor, a natural healer, and a spiritual healer.  I have been prayed on, over, and anointed.  And, about six months ago, my weight loss leveled out. Praise the Lord! He covered me with His pinions.  With the exception of the severe ear and throat pain, I was able to maintain my daily routine.

It was a lot of work.  My wife and I have always tried to eat good, healthy food, but we had taken it to an extreme in the last six months. I ate no sugar, no soy (soy is in everything!), I cut out dairy, wheat, and even meat-based protein.  We began to juice.  We juiced beets, and celery, and carrots, lemons, and even kale.  Our three boys weren't terribly enthusiastic, but they were good sports.

However, I was still waking up two and three times a night because of the pain.  And, in April, I began to lose weight again, my voice changed, and I began to have a difficult time swallowing.  We knew whatever was wrong was getting worse and we made another appointment with another physician for June 14, 2016.

That is a day my world shrank.

The doctor came highly recommended by our family's doctor. He asked me many questions, then pushed my tongue down and had me say, "Ahh."

"Oh," he said, "You have cancer." (oral-pharangeal)

My wife and I were stunned.  We couldn't believe what we were hearing.  We had been thinking food allergies. But the biopsy confirmed the diagnosis and on Wednesday, July 6, I go in for my first round of chemotherapy and radiation.  It has been devastating to us, but in the middle of it, we have seen God at work.  He has given us a peace. We have also had momentary meltdowns.  Then, in those low moments, God stuffs the mailbox with cards from friends, family, and church community.  We met with a friend who has survived this type of cancer. God has graced our table with dinners provided by parents of students from the boys' school and from the church. My parents made an 1100 mile drive to help us catch up with projects around the house and help with the kiddos while we met with oncologists and gastroenterologists and the specialists at Smoothie King.

It has been an amazing and beautiful thing to see how the church works.  It's been incredible, actually.

I find myself in a paradox of fear and peace.  I can't see the ground from this high branch.  I don't know how I am going to make it to the next one...but, somehow, I feel the prayers, and I know that under his wings, I have  found refuge.

Church Stopping. Less Doing. More Being.